


Inquisit This!

by Bluethorns



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games)
Genre: Gen, No pairings yet - Freeform, self-insert inquisitor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-13
Updated: 2016-05-18
Packaged: 2018-06-08 04:03:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6838318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluethorns/pseuds/Bluethorns
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for <a href="http://that-vicious-vixen.tumblr.com/post/142608476206/self-insert-week-2016">Self-Insert Week 2016</a> on tumblr.<br/>And because there aren't that many middle-aged Inquisitors.</p><p>This story takes place after all the DLC for Dragon Age 2 was out, but before we knew anything about Inquisition. </p><p>I swear. A lot. M is for language. So far.</p><p> </p><p>Mild-mannered (hah) pixel pusher from San Francisco is thrown feet first into Thedas, with a glowing green mark on her hand, and a chip on her shoulder. [/end announcer voice]</p><p>No pairings yet, but there will be. Oh yes.<br/>May be slow to update. (I hadn't planned on posting it until I had at least two more chapters finished, but I wanted to get it online in time for the thing.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Yep. Today was going just _great_.  
First, I stepped on something slippy on the way to the bus on the way home from an otherwise boring day at work, and came to in shackles. Which sounds way kinkier than it was.  


Then an angry redhead and her heavily armored friend yelled at me about some temple, which had gotten blown up. Which sounded totally familiar, but I had no context to place it. The name of the temple, not the blowing up.  
And somehow my hand had a glowing thing happening to it, which hurt like I'd stabbed it or something. Mostly throbby when it wasn't flaring up dramatically.  


And _now _I'd just been exploded off a bridge.__  
Onto ice.  
Brrrr. Cold hurts! (I hate cold. Hate it. Moved 2000 miles away from it. HATE.)  
Fuck today. Today is _fired_. At least I don't seem to have broken anything. Small mercies, I guess.  


Oh yay. To make this day even _better_ , now we've got demons! Or whatever you call a lumpy purple green thing that bubbles out of the ground. Ew. It looked sticky.  


I was totally freaking. That fucking demon was getting closer, Cassandra was occupied with her own lumpy fucker, and I was unarmed and achy. Also kinda freaking out. Did I say that already? Totally freaking the fuck out.  
And then, I saw a big-ass stick.  


I know how to hit things with sticks! Or did, like 25 years ago. I'll figure it out, right?  


It was more a fancy branch than a smooth stick like we'd play with in the backyard or weighted for spinning, like my old fire staff, but a weapon's a weapon. Or something like that. If this lumpy demon thing is going to eat my face, at least I'll give it a few splinters first.  


I figured the balance would be weird, but I'd still grabbed it like a quarterstaff, preparing to block an incoming clawed hand and then whip around and smack Lumpy upside the head. To my very great surprise, a blob of fire splashed out of one end and floundered off towards nothing useful.  


Well, hell. I play lots of sword & sorcery type games. I know a magical staff when I apparently pick one up.  
How to make it work? I twirled it with two hands, like I was fire spinning, but that did nothing. (Well, it blocked a hit, so that's good.)  
Maybe if I aim it? I shifted my stance and made like I was going to shake the stick at the baddie.  
Nothing.  
Maybe it's intent? I thought about how much I really wanted to throw fire at the thing.  
Fizzle.  
Progress!  
  
Ok. I want it so fucking hard that I squinch up my eyes. And yes! Blob of fire, right between the eyes!  


Of course, I was concentrating so hard that the demon just slashed at me and I didn't block.  
Four gouges across my ribs and holes in my tshirt. I didn’t want to think about what sorts of microbes a demon would carry. That I would have no resistance to, because my real life doesn’t involve getting slashed up by demon claws.  
My right hand started tingling, so I shifted the staff to my left.  
A small orb of lightning, like one of those plasma ball lamps minus the glass, was hovering an inch off my palm. I mimed throwing it at the demon thing as if it were a ball. Holy shit! It worked! Lightning crashed through my opponent and arced into Cassandra's.  


Lumpy bubbled to the ground, and puddled into a green mist and disappeared. Ok. That's just fucking weird. Gotta say.  


With my baddie down, and hers shortly after, Cassandra turned her attention to me. "Drop your weapon." Her sword was pointing right at me.  
"Here. Have the stick. The hand, I can't help you with."  
She seemed to reassess. My hand was tingling. She still had her sword pointed at my face.  
"Release your spell."  
"How?"  
"How?!"  
"I have no idea what is happening. This is scary, Cassandra. I mean, you can have the stick. It throws fire. I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to be magic. I'm not supposed to be magic. I'm just a schlub who sits in front of a computer all day for work, and then plunks down in front of a different computer as soon as I get home at night. Not magic."  
I held up my hand. There was another lightning ball forming. "What the hell is this? Make it stop! Please!"  


She did something. A soft whump of air settled over me, extinguishing the lightning in my hand.  
"Keep your staff. The valley ahead is dangerous, and I cannot protect you. We will discuss your magic later."  
  
Well, _that_ sounded ominous.  


"Take these potions."  
"All of them? At once?" The little pouch she handed me had close to a dozen small bottles in it.  


The corner of her mouth quirked up, like she was trying not to be amused. "Drink one and see how you feel, first."  


I did.  
It was faintly gelatinous and tasted much like the way I imagined swamp water would taste. Within moments, though, my bad knee stopped hurting, my shoulder stopped throbbing from where I'd done something awful to it falling off the bridge, and the claw slashes on my ribs tingled closed. Instead, they itched. Which also sucked, but it's way better than bleeding. My lungs eased, and I realized I hadn't noticed just how close I'd been to an asthma attack. (Fighting in the cold? Yeah, that'd do it. There's a _reason_ I hate the cold. Mostly because I like breathing.)  
Hand still did the thing, though.  


"This is amazing! My knee's been fucked for years!"  


"It doesn't last. Your wounds will stay closed and they may still scar, but any lingering pains always return." She sounded almost apologetic.  


"Don't care. I can bend my damn knee!" I bounced up and down a few times on my bad leg. I was very aware of how not in pain I was. It felt almost like being high. The best kind of high. "Is there a limit to how many of these someone should have in a day? Is there a way to make it taste not gross and less gloppy? Are they expensive? How long do they last?"  


I offered her the bag back, but she waved it away. I stuffed it in the pocket of my hoodie, for want of anywhere better to put it. And bounced again. My knee! No pain! Happy!! No idea what to do with the empty, so I stashed it in my pocket, too. Hopefully the cork would stay put so it didn't leak.  


"So many questions! I'll refer you to the alchemist once we return to Haven."  


Haven. The Temple of Sacred Ashes. So fucking familiar. On the tip of my-  
Dragon Age.  
OMG. Dragon Age. Alistair and Morrigan and Hawke and Isabela and oh _shit_ what the hell is going on.  
I remembered Haven from the first Dragon Age game. Snowy little town in the mountains with creepy dragon cult stuff going on.  


Well, at least I knew where I was. 


	2. Chapter 2

Whatever Cassandra had done to nerf my lightning wore off fairly quickly.  
Thankfully, just the disruption was enough to stop it from happening unbidden, and after zapping a few more demons (now we had floating green torsos in addition to Lumpies to play with: annoying, unnerving, but at least they didn't look gloppy), I'd sort of figured out how to stop the lightning from forming without needing Cass's assistance. It was imperfect and was making me super staticky, which caused my skirt to cling and climb my thighs as I walked.  
(I blame the boots. Two inches of thick rubber with treads like a tire (and lots of buckles and straps because New Rocks) will apparently insulate my internal violet wand pretty damn well. No way was I taking them off, though. They might weigh eight zillion pounds each (my knees hate the extra weight, but it was raining when I got dressed this(?) morning and my usual flipflops have zero traction when wet), but that just made them that much closer to being armor, and, well, ice. Snow. Versus stripey socks -- not even thick wool ones. Just thin mismatched cotton knee-highs. Nope! I like my toes unfrozen.)  


At least my hair wasn't doing that thing. You know, the big metal ball that you put your hands on and your hair goes all dandelion fluff? Van de something? Doesn't matter right now. I can jumpstart the industrial revolution later.  


I tried touching rocks. Trees. The metal blob on the end of my staff. None of it helped.  
After the gazillionth time shoving my skirts back down (because nobody needs to see my thighs plus brrrrcold!) I asked Cassandra if I could ground myself on her armor.  


"You want to what? Grind against me? What does that even mean?"  
  
I almost snickered. Well, she was certainly pretty enough, but this was neither the time nor place for _that_.  
"Ground myself. Not grind. The electricity from that spell is building up as static and because my boots have rubber soles, it can't flow into the ground. I need to touch metal or running water or something similar that's touching the ground, so it'll discharge, and maybe my skirt will stop doing this annoying thing."  
"Will this harm me?"  
"Probably not?"  
She thought about it for a moment. "Very well. Do what you must."  
  
I was fully expecting the zap of a lifetime when I touched her pauldron. I wasn't disappointed. Cassandra appeared to be spared it, at least.  
"I could hear that!"  
"Yeah. I sure felt it." I shook out my hand. Not that it helped necessarily with the sting, but it's a thing to do.  


At least my skirt stopped trying to display my panties, and went back to being long and swirly.  
For now.  
Still not much help against the cold, but better than nothing.  


"If it gets bad again, may I discharge through your armor again?"  
I hoped that asking politely might make a difference.  


"If you're having the same wardrobe distractions again, yes, you may."  
"Thank you." I guess she didn't want to see my thighs either? I'm a bit of an acquired taste, I guess.  


After crossing yet more ice (have I mentioned that I love my boots? I love my boots. Traction is a good thing!) we found our way up a little hill, and into another cluster of people fighting. I stood back and threw fire and lightning, trying very hard not to hit anyone that wasn't some weird demon. Once the various floaty, sticky lumps were dispatched, a thin bald man, about my height, with large pointed ears, grabbed my glowy hand, and somehow channeled his will through it to close the rift in front of us.  
"What did you do?"  
"I did nothing."  
"Nuh uh. I felt that. You did it. I think I can replicate it, but that one was all you."  
"You must be mistaken."  
"Does that usually work? I'd prefer it if you didn't attempt to gaslight me immediately after the thing, hmm? At least wait until it's far enough back that it'll muddy easily."  
I got a purposely blank look in return.  


Well, one rift down, and one really big one to go, anyway.  
The sensation of closing a rift was just plain strange, like sucking through a straw except in the middle of my hand, using senses I had no idea I had. If the feeling could be described as anything, it would be the smell of the way biting crumpled aluminum foil feels, plus slurping. (How _do_ you describe something that you have no language for, anyway?)  


"And here I thought we'd be ass-deep in demons forever."  
That voice. I knew that voice. That was the voice of--  
"Varric Tethras, at your service."  
OMG. Varric.  



End file.
